I'm not going to read your story if it's not broken down into proper paragraphs, no matter how good it is. I'm sorry.

Also, I'm not a huge fan of onomatopoeiae, I get really annoyed when serious or semi-serious fics start using "kolkolkol", "honhonhon", "fusosososo" and "kesesese". I have no idea why I find them so iritating, but yeah.