I can just picture somebody trying to have phone sex with Australia and being like 'so tell me what's going on below the belt ;) ;)' and Australia gives a ton of enthusiastic but deeply unsexy tmi about how this morning something bit him on the right testicle and it swelled up HUGE but lol this is nothing do you want to hear about the time in '92 when he...

...holy shit you are the wizard of ficfinding, yes that was the one.

I don't even know but I still want it. Playing bagpipes badly to literally captive audience as bdsm punishment? SUCK MY BAGPIPE, BITCH?

I suppose if all else fails you could just shove one of the pipes up your butt and hope for the best.